It’s probably one of the hardest conversations a parent or caregiver can have with a child. Telling them someone they love has died is a conversation nobody likes to have. Of course, it’s natural to worry that they won’t understand or how they’re going to handle it emotionally.

As adults, it’s our instinct to try and protect children from grief, but experience shows that excluding children from the truth can make things even harder. Children of all ages are capable of handling death and grief. When included in the family’s morning, and given honest age-appropriate explanations, they often cope better than we expect. Keeping them in the dark can leave them feeling scared, confused and even resentful.

At Heritage Brothers Funeral Services, we know how delicate this process can be. Our team has years of experience supporting families through grief, offering guidance on how to talk to children about death in a compassionate and age-appropriate way.

How to be honest, but age-appropriate

The most important thing in navigating children and grief is honesty. Try not to use euphemisms or half-truths like ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed away’ without setting the context, because this can be confusing.  

The way you explain death should match the child’s age and understanding:

• Young children under the age of six years old can find it difficult to understand the finality of death. They may see death as reversible, influenced by cartoons or stories where characters frequently come back to life.

Despite this, they still feel the loss and sadness. You can reassure them that it’s okay to feel sad and that the death was not their fault. You can make simple comparisons like how flowers bloom, then fade and die, or relate it to a pet that they love that passed away. This can help them understand the concept of life cycles. Answer their questions simply and honestly, and expect repetition as they try to process what has happened.

• Children aged 6 to 10 begin to react to death a little more like adults. They can feel shock, anger or guilt, and may even regress to earlier behaviours such as thumb-sucking or bed-wetting. The grief can also manifest in other ways, including tantrums, aggression or even withdrawal. 

Often, at this age, children can be curious about the funeral process and the physical aspects of death. Answer any questions they have about the cremation or burial and keep it truthful. Attending viewings or funerals can also help them feel included and understand the finality of death.

• When children are 11 or older, they can be treated more like adults. Teenagers can hold in their feelings or appear distant and struggle to express themselves. Always encourage open discussions, but don’t force them to communicate.

They can contribute in practical ways, such as helping with funeral preparations or creating a memory to share. Allow them to express their grief physically through hugs, holding hands, or quiet support. Some teenagers benefit from speaking with someone outside the family, such as a counsellor or psychologist

Include children in the family’s grieving

Sharing your own emotions – crying, talking about the person who has died, or expressing sadness – demonstrates that it’s normal and healthy to grieve. This not only validates their feelings but also models coping strategies for processing loss.

Allowing children to participate in funerals, viewings, or memorial activities helps them feel included. Small responsibilities, like carrying a flower, placing a letter or poem in the coffin, or lighting a candle, can give them a sense of purpose and belonging while reinforcing the reality of the loss.

Use stories, books, and creative outlets

Books, films, or other media can help children process grief in their own time. Leaving age-appropriate stories available for them to read, not forcing them, can provide comfort and understanding. Art, drawing, or writing letters to the person who has died also gives children a safe way to express emotions that might be too hard to communicate aloud.

For younger children, you can make comparisons with nature or pets to help make the idea of death more tangible. Older children and teenagers can benefit from discussions around faith, spirituality, if relevant in your family. 

Support and reassurance

There is no set timeline for grief, and children can go back to revisit their feelings over and over.. It’s important to reassure them that it’s okay to feel sad, scared or even angry, and ensure they feel comfortable coming to you with any questions.

We know it can be difficult when your own grief feels overwhelming, so maybe you can seek support from a trusted relative, friend or professional, so the child doesn’t feel alone with their emotions 

As Gold Coast funeral directors, we are here to support families through these difficult conversations. Our compassionate team can guide parents on how to include children in grieving, help them understand funerals, and offer reassurance throughout the process.

Talking to children about death is never easy, but it is important. With honesty, patience, and empathy, you can guide them through grief in a way that honours their feelings and helps them understand loss. Remember, grief is a journey, and children learn best when they feel safe and supported.